I think I might seriously be depressed. That new movie is out..."Post Grad". The only thing I have to say about it is that, well, one, I'm definitely not going to see it (why depress myself more?), and two, I'M THE REAL POST GRAD. I honestly feel like my life could be just as interesting as any other movie. Whatever though, I'm always the last to think up these brilliant ideas.
But seriously, I'm depressed. I really don't know where my life is going, what I'm supposed to be doing, if I'm doing it right...or..whatever! It's hugely frustrating going out, trying to find a job. People look at you're resume like a 7-year-old made it, and you think, "HOW AN I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW TO DO THIS?!!" Really though, do they offer some secret class in college that everyone kept hidden from me that is titled, "The ultimate resume writing course: everything you need to know about coming straight out of college with the perfect resume." Because I would have liked that class. I'm just frustrated at this point because I don't know how us, as "Post Grads", are supposed to know all these trick of the trade if we have no work experience. I go to apply to jobs that say, "Must have 2-3 years experience"....For an Administrative Assistant?!!!! UHHHHH I DON'T THINK SO! Hi, yeah, I went to college, I wrote papers out the ass, I know how to multi-task and know what a deadline means....I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT! Oh not to mention the year I spent as an intern at NBC Universal/KNTV. Pretty sure I learned a thing or too about USING A FAX MACHINE AND ANSWERING THE PHONE. Not rocket science. I don't mena to be disrespectful to the profession, but back in the day little housewives did this shit as a side job between making meatloaf for their dear husband and picking up their kids from school. They did this with NO college degree. Now suddenly it's a job requiring a 4-year degree and 2-3 years experience. Ok, I get some elements of technology are thrown into the mix, but seriously? I think I could manage.
Graduating is bull. Number-one thing I have learned from being a sweet little "post grad" is that the saying, "It's not what you know it's WHO you know" has never rang truer in my ears. I now know it's all about connections and networking and nothing about true desire or a competent skill set. Which is very unfortunate for me.
wow, what a rant... I'm sorry. I miss home, and friends, and I think I might be left alone too much. Might need to get another side job.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
The Move
I spent my last week in Santa Cruz packing up my beloved room. It was a unique room, in a unique house, a type of house that I probably will not not occupy one quite like it ever again. My room was average sized, but what I loved about it was the shelving. Sounds lame, I know, but on the wall that had the window that faced out to the street, there were two shelf cut outs on either side of the window. A little ledge about a foot wide came out from the window and on each side of it were selves in the shapes of right triangles. I loved them, because I was able to do so many creative things with those shelves, and they made my room look that much more unique. I loved that little room.
On my last day in Santa Cruz I packed a little in the morning. Then I was missing Sebastian so much I had to see him, even though I knew it would make it harder. He came over while Kristen and I were hanging out. Once he got there, we watched a little of the Michael Jackson coverage that was still over-taking all tv channels. Suddenly it just felt right, "Lets go to the brewery and get a pitcher." Perfect way to spend my last day in SC. So we walked, because only a crazy person drives to the brewery. And we're spoiled to live 3 minutes away. SO we went and we got buzzed and we were in complete bliss. I was an emotional wreck. But buzzed bliss nonetheless.
We got home, and I raced around the house, I had to cram a million last minuet things at once because my mom and Greg were on their way over with the moving truck. We were all sorta tipsy, so it was actually a little fun, when we forgot what we were actually doing, packing me up to move 600 miles away.
After all my precious belongings were safely stored away, we all loaded into Kristen's car and went to dinner at the Red Room. Amazing. and of course bittersweet.
I cried uncontrollably saying goodbye to Kris and Sebastian. Sebastian waited outside in the car while Kris and I had our last moments together in the house as roommates. The last four years all flooding back to us, and the walls of 310 Cayuga seemed to melt around us, that home truely became my home. And I started to feel as though I didn't know where my life differentiated from Kristen's life, and her life from our home's life, and we were all mixed and molded together after all these years and experiences. Best years of my life were spent right next to K Kid. How would I be without her? DL, 5101, Cayuga. That was us. We were in it together, from the start, from the day I stepped foot in College Eight, Kris was right there with me from day one, Freshman Orientation. Best side-kick in the world.
Sebastian was waiting there like he said he would. I was afraid of the conversation that was waiting for me in the car. All I could do was cry, and say, "It's gonna be okay. It's good. It's good that I'm doing this." Every word was untruthful. Lying through my teeth. I didn't believe it was okay, and I forgot why I was doing this. He said, "You've shown me what I want in a girl," and the knife twisted deeper. All the lovely things he said to me. Even the most divinely beautiful woman in the whole world could never compare to me-based on the way Sebastian talks to me. The complete dispair I felt in the car that night is something I never expected. He was never expected. But he happened to me, and I feel so lucky.
I drove away from him at midnight, and I didn't even look up as I turned away from his kiss.
On my last day in Santa Cruz I packed a little in the morning. Then I was missing Sebastian so much I had to see him, even though I knew it would make it harder. He came over while Kristen and I were hanging out. Once he got there, we watched a little of the Michael Jackson coverage that was still over-taking all tv channels. Suddenly it just felt right, "Lets go to the brewery and get a pitcher." Perfect way to spend my last day in SC. So we walked, because only a crazy person drives to the brewery. And we're spoiled to live 3 minutes away. SO we went and we got buzzed and we were in complete bliss. I was an emotional wreck. But buzzed bliss nonetheless.
We got home, and I raced around the house, I had to cram a million last minuet things at once because my mom and Greg were on their way over with the moving truck. We were all sorta tipsy, so it was actually a little fun, when we forgot what we were actually doing, packing me up to move 600 miles away.
After all my precious belongings were safely stored away, we all loaded into Kristen's car and went to dinner at the Red Room. Amazing. and of course bittersweet.
I cried uncontrollably saying goodbye to Kris and Sebastian. Sebastian waited outside in the car while Kris and I had our last moments together in the house as roommates. The last four years all flooding back to us, and the walls of 310 Cayuga seemed to melt around us, that home truely became my home. And I started to feel as though I didn't know where my life differentiated from Kristen's life, and her life from our home's life, and we were all mixed and molded together after all these years and experiences. Best years of my life were spent right next to K Kid. How would I be without her? DL, 5101, Cayuga. That was us. We were in it together, from the start, from the day I stepped foot in College Eight, Kris was right there with me from day one, Freshman Orientation. Best side-kick in the world.
Sebastian was waiting there like he said he would. I was afraid of the conversation that was waiting for me in the car. All I could do was cry, and say, "It's gonna be okay. It's good. It's good that I'm doing this." Every word was untruthful. Lying through my teeth. I didn't believe it was okay, and I forgot why I was doing this. He said, "You've shown me what I want in a girl," and the knife twisted deeper. All the lovely things he said to me. Even the most divinely beautiful woman in the whole world could never compare to me-based on the way Sebastian talks to me. The complete dispair I felt in the car that night is something I never expected. He was never expected. But he happened to me, and I feel so lucky.
I drove away from him at midnight, and I didn't even look up as I turned away from his kiss.
A New Chapter
People keep telling me graduating from college is way better than being in college. I'm still waiting for that to happen. It's been a month since I crossed the threshold of binge drinking and late night questionable decisions to more binge drinking and questionable decision-except now it's considered completely unacceptable by society and I'm looked at as a pathetic, unemployed free-loader with no goals. So I'm not too stoked for this life change as of now.
Nonetheless, much has changed in my life. I have moved from my beautiful, cozy, beach side cottage in eccentric Santa Cruz to the chaotic, emotionless, concrete slabs that line the streets of Los Angeles. Why you ask? What kind of person would make such a drastic and ill-planned move from the most eco-friendly corner of the world, to a city that is home to the nations second largest oil refinery, El Segundo (it means "the second" in Spanish. Quaint, right?).
I don't know, there're a lot of reasons I suppose. The one that is the most complicated to explain, or mostly just takes some time, is the one that, to me, makes the most sense. However this reason is one of anticipation...it never actually happened, but I took certain, precautionary measures, if you will to ensure that it didn't. To understand where I'm coming from is to know me a little. When I say I loved college, that's not even the half of it. That's probably the understantment of the year. I adored college. If Neverland was college, I would be considered the biggest nut-job, obsessed person ever-right there with Michael Jackson. And for a while, I really did view college as Neverland. I thought it would never end. I thought there was no way in hell I would ever have to become serious about my life. It just wouldn't happen. You would have to pull be out kicking and screaming. And then June 14th, 2009 came. And I graduated. Most bittersweet experience of my life. But not for why you would think. It was bitter because it meant college was over. The theamed parties, beer chugging, Neighborhood Night Tuesdays and 80's Night at The Blue..Alpha Psi secret events, and Theta Chi's annual Luau. It was goodbye to all those carefree, happy, drunk times. Graduation was sweet because...well...there was a party for me and I got money. And that's it. Only positive thing I've seen from graduating so far.
As I was saying, I was in love with my life while in college. Yet I still knew, if I stayed in Santa Cruz, I could still see all the younger classmen that I was good friends with. I could probably still go to the parties, spend my days realatively as I used to, visit the campus, and enjoy the little town I've grown to love. But as much as I still tried to retain the magic of being in college, it would never be the same. As much as I could try to keep as much in my control the same as it used to, it would never be the same. People would move out of town, friends would drift...I would get older, and soon bored. If I stayed in Santa Cruz, I would become depressed. it would be a constant reminder of what it was, and how it was now different.
The way I see it is like that old saying, "Don't overstay your welcome." To me it sums it up exactly. I wanted to quit while I was still ahead, I wanted to be able to look back on my times there with the best memories of college- not "the best memories from college, and then how crappy it was to look for a job there and get depressed that I was still stuck doing the same thing". So I decided to leave. To Los Angeles, the antithesis of everything I've known In Santa Cruz. And let me tell you, it hasn't been easy. But I know that this is what I needed to do. I needed to pick myself up, cast my net into a new, less familiar ocean, and see what I come up with.
Honestly, I'm scared, and I feel discouraged. Graduating in the middle of a depression is not exactly the way you want to get started on your feet. But I'll plug along, I will not be deterred. In the future I see grad school, maybe more specifically law school. I would love to work in environmental law, or social justice law. I would love to work for an environmental non-profit to start out, and then work my way towards law school. These are just a few ideas for which I hope to turn into goals, which hopefully, with a little hard work, will become my reality.
Nonetheless, much has changed in my life. I have moved from my beautiful, cozy, beach side cottage in eccentric Santa Cruz to the chaotic, emotionless, concrete slabs that line the streets of Los Angeles. Why you ask? What kind of person would make such a drastic and ill-planned move from the most eco-friendly corner of the world, to a city that is home to the nations second largest oil refinery, El Segundo (it means "the second" in Spanish. Quaint, right?).
I don't know, there're a lot of reasons I suppose. The one that is the most complicated to explain, or mostly just takes some time, is the one that, to me, makes the most sense. However this reason is one of anticipation...it never actually happened, but I took certain, precautionary measures, if you will to ensure that it didn't. To understand where I'm coming from is to know me a little. When I say I loved college, that's not even the half of it. That's probably the understantment of the year. I adored college. If Neverland was college, I would be considered the biggest nut-job, obsessed person ever-right there with Michael Jackson. And for a while, I really did view college as Neverland. I thought it would never end. I thought there was no way in hell I would ever have to become serious about my life. It just wouldn't happen. You would have to pull be out kicking and screaming. And then June 14th, 2009 came. And I graduated. Most bittersweet experience of my life. But not for why you would think. It was bitter because it meant college was over. The theamed parties, beer chugging, Neighborhood Night Tuesdays and 80's Night at The Blue..Alpha Psi secret events, and Theta Chi's annual Luau. It was goodbye to all those carefree, happy, drunk times. Graduation was sweet because...well...there was a party for me and I got money. And that's it. Only positive thing I've seen from graduating so far.
As I was saying, I was in love with my life while in college. Yet I still knew, if I stayed in Santa Cruz, I could still see all the younger classmen that I was good friends with. I could probably still go to the parties, spend my days realatively as I used to, visit the campus, and enjoy the little town I've grown to love. But as much as I still tried to retain the magic of being in college, it would never be the same. As much as I could try to keep as much in my control the same as it used to, it would never be the same. People would move out of town, friends would drift...I would get older, and soon bored. If I stayed in Santa Cruz, I would become depressed. it would be a constant reminder of what it was, and how it was now different.
The way I see it is like that old saying, "Don't overstay your welcome." To me it sums it up exactly. I wanted to quit while I was still ahead, I wanted to be able to look back on my times there with the best memories of college- not "the best memories from college, and then how crappy it was to look for a job there and get depressed that I was still stuck doing the same thing". So I decided to leave. To Los Angeles, the antithesis of everything I've known In Santa Cruz. And let me tell you, it hasn't been easy. But I know that this is what I needed to do. I needed to pick myself up, cast my net into a new, less familiar ocean, and see what I come up with.
Honestly, I'm scared, and I feel discouraged. Graduating in the middle of a depression is not exactly the way you want to get started on your feet. But I'll plug along, I will not be deterred. In the future I see grad school, maybe more specifically law school. I would love to work in environmental law, or social justice law. I would love to work for an environmental non-profit to start out, and then work my way towards law school. These are just a few ideas for which I hope to turn into goals, which hopefully, with a little hard work, will become my reality.
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